Final Zapping

Today was my 20th and final radiation treatment.

Thank you to everyone who has sent cards and gifts to the boys and me -- they love getting mail and  appreciated the encouragement. Thank you to my MIL who sent a "sunshine box" with different gifts for us to open on different days to give them something to look forward to. Thank you to those who have sent texts and messages letting me know you're praying for me. 

Thank you to my friend Georgia who made dinners for us when I was fatiguing and who stayed with the boys when they were off school and to Elizabeth who took the boys for a night of fun at Defy one evening. 

Thank you to Melody and Rick who kept the boys during the eLearning day when I had both a radiation treatment and oncology appointment. 

Thank you to my parents who came up for a week in the middle of October from warm, sunny Florida to stay with the boys during fall break. 

Thank you to my Aunt Karen who dealt with breast cancer herself and who texted me faithfully every day to let me know she was praying for me. 

Thank you to my friend Dan who also sent a note of encouragement each day. 

Today, Kieran wanted to know if they killed all the cancer cells. That's the idea, of course, but in order to further reduce the risk of occurrence, I'll be taking a hormone suppressant pill (Tamoxifen for the curious) for the next 5 to 10 years. I also have a cocktail of supplements that I'll be popping along with the pill (message me if you'd like to know what's on my counter).

As I read through the literature on the options available to minimize the risk of occurrence or the statistics on who gets breast cancer because of which cause, it strikes me how much of this is out my hands--how much seems to be so arbitrary and almost capricious. And I wonder if that's part of the curse God placed on sin--death, ultimately, is the reminder that we aren't in control of our destiny. I drink apple cider vinegar every day, I use natural, organic body and hair products, I try to buy organic when I can, I was off sugar for several years, I've taken immune-boosting supplements . . . and yet . . . and yet here I sit with a divot in my skin from where a cancerous lump was removed and a rash from where the radiation attempted to eradicate any remaining cancer. 

As much as we might like to think we can control what happens to our bodies, ultimately we can't. Yet as I peer through the seeming capriciousness, I choose to recognize the sovereignty of God in all of it--the cancer, the disability, the sickness, the people who cross my path. And I know it's not for nothing--that he's working all of this for my good and for his glory. And I'm driven to remember my dependence on my Creator for even my next breath. So as I lay on the table in the radiation room early in the morning, I chose to give thanks for the gift of another day of life. Another breath. Another new mercy. 

Someone recently posted a quote from Elizabeth Elliot that went along these lines but I can't remember where I saw it. I found these quotes, though, which point me toward that conclusion (from Suffering Is Never for Nothing).

“Just start thanking God in advance because no matter what is about to happen, you already know that God is in charge. You are not adrift in a sea of chaos.”

“You either believe God knows what He's doing or you believe He doesn't. You either believe He's worth trusting or you say He's not. And then, where are you? You're at the mercy of chaos not cosmos. Chaos is the Greek word for disorder. Cosmos is the word for order. We either live in an ordered universe or we are trying to create our own reality.” 

 Even as we work to minimize the risk of the cancer returning or spreading, I rest in God's sovereignty over my life and in the mercies he gives abundantly. He is good, all the time.